Zona

My great great aunt Helen never married even though she was a stunning woman. All the men down at the club wondered why and some were as bold to claim having had a romantic episode with Helen.

Oh sure, their wives knew of the claims but they all knew better. They sipped their tea at their gatherings and never protested that their husbands had the occasional all night poker game.

Edith was my first love and what a love she was. Half a flask of brandy turned her into a lewd woman and there were many a fine night in that buggy of hers.

I conjured up a mixture of meat and sleeping tablets that would put those little shit dogs of hers out for the evening. They developed a tolerance to the stuff so that I had to add more medication to knock them out. It was fine times until the dogs finally succumbed to the "treats".

Mad as a wet hen, Edith left me and took up with the chemist. She never suspected him of being the one who taught me the "nighty night puppy" trick and they had a grand time.

Me? I took up with the chemist's wife.

My laptop has this function where the screen dims after a short period of inactivity. It will then, after another bit, go completely black. Once it dims, you simply have to touch the mouse pad to get it back to bright and ready to be utilized.

Once it's gone black for some time you have to push the on/off button to get it to come back to life.

At that point it asks you if you want to shut it down and you have to click on cancel to get it back to bright and ready to be utilized. OR you can just go ahead and shut it down.

That's how I feel here at work today. Not much going on and I keep dimming to gray and sometimes black.

I keep having to hit cancel to get my screen to pop back up.

*yawn*

I'm weak, and I don't mean that in a flattering way.

I reactivated my facebook account. All because of a new feature. Chat. I fell pray to a new bauble. A new trinket. My life was facebook free but now I'm so ashamed. I have relapsed. I caved. Somebody kill me now.

NOW

We now interrupt the wholesome goodness of this blog to bring you one of my favorite pictures.

Bored with photography, Dan trades in the camera

After 30 years of government service our hero retires and dedicates himself to his favorite hobby

A glimpse of me

It got cold here and snowed and I am really tired of this it's still winter bullshit in Canada.

My daughter left my old canon behind when she moved so I'm thinking that I'm gonna load it up with different kinds of film when I'm on Vancouver Island in a few weeks.

Ya know, I'm tempted to just sleep in the car some nights. Gonna stay up all night some nights and shoot dark images. Gonna stretch outta the box.

I put in my rotation back to the States list this past week.

Tucson
Las Vegas
Phoenix
Salt Lake City
Alberquerque

Holy shit boy and girls am I ever sore.

The two week wedding phase is all over and me, being the rocket scientist that I is, went out in my illness recovering, not enough sleep shape and played 18 holes of golf.

WALKED 18 holes of golf

I am 6'1", 250 pounds of sore.

The first 7 holes were decent but it fell to shit on #8 and loud flushing noises could be heard throughout the back 9. Now 5 and a half hours of sleep and it's back to work a 14 hour shift.

Thank god it aint physical labor.

The only thing making me feel good is Steve Winwood's new single, Dirty City, featuring Eric Clapton on the GEEtar. That's some fine fucking music boys and girls!

Who's up for lizard-on-a-stick?

Troubleshooting and health news

Hey Smelly, I fixed your link so stop sticking my doll with needles. But maybe you'll start again because I refuse to use a password to access your man's blog. That's just too techie for me.

I'm much better today. Now it's time for a shower and where's that leftover pizza?

NO, I don't eat pizza while in the shower.

My wife made me stop because the sausage that falls off from time to time clogs the drain and she hates getting down on her hands and knees with a plunger. I AM happy that she finally installed that little shelf in the stall so I have a place to put my coke though.

See? I can sacrifice one thing to get another.

That's what's kept us together for 26 years.

Your hero is sick

It's my turn to have the 24 hour bug that's been hanging around the family. First the grandkids then the wife and a son and now me. I was up most of the night running to the toilet for false puke alarms. I haven't puked in about 15 years. My body finally gave up on tossing the toxins out one end and decided for the other. Hey, it's not pleasant but I TOLD you I was sick.

Add to my discomfort the fact that today is my day off. I hate being sick on days off. Sick should CREATE days off. I DID leave work 2 and a half hours early yesterday when I felt it coming on.

One other thing I don't like about this bug, it dehydrates me so my wife pesters me to drink lots of water. I HATE drinking water. Of course I don't feel like drinking coke when I have this and I know that coke has the reverse effect anyway. I ate a can of peaches not to long ago.

I have a feeling I'll live.

I'm feeling my mortality.

I remember when I did this with my nieces and nephews. Of course I was older. When I was 22 there were no little ones. But now I watch this scene as a grandfather and my son's grandfather, my dad, is gone. He was the buffer between me and what's to come. That buffer is gone and some times I feel that I have an unobstructed view.

It was something as insignificant as putting a bottle of catsup in the fridge today that brought me to the realization that I have provided for a family. That's a huge accomplishment when you really think about it. My two daughters have each married now and that little one in the picture is next in line although that is many years away.

Will I still be around? Her parents are divorcing. Will she be able to look at me and ask, "will you walk me down the aisle bahbah?" Will I be around to give counsel to her and her brother?

I remember when we were on vacation and I told my two older kids, "go give your grandfather a hug because you never know if this is the last time you will see him." And as it turned out, it was the last time they would see my dad.

Gotta run now. Boston just scored. Marc Savard, former Flame, scored the game winner in overtime. Now the Flames game comes on.

Go Flames Go!!

I love feather pillows

I hate the foam pillows that spring rudely back to their original shape as soon as you move. So I like to find feather pillows. My wife bought the last pillow. NOTHING but feathers. But there's a catch. The feathers in this pillow have that needle sharp point to them. That means about a dozen at a time on either side are coming through the cloth to attack me.

I've been suffering with this pillow for about four months.

Why do I even still have the pillow you ask?

Because yanking the feathers out of the pillow by the sharp ends is actually kinda entertaining. I pulled out about 30 just now.

The kids

So we hopped the ferry over to Vancouver Island because mom wanted to go to Butchart Gardens. Now I had always heard that the gardens were nice and that they had something growing for each season. I learned that right now the gardens are in their dormant season. I paid $25 to see plants playing dead.

It was gray and it was cold and the sunken garden was cool but I expected more from all the hype I hear. Of course, I must remember where that gardens are. They're in a cold region of the planet.

Then I took this picture because I was invited to join a Flickr group called "not my photo op" and you see the idea of the group here. But when I tried to upload this photo to the group it was rejected.

Why?

Because my Flickr account is set on "moderate", not "safe". That means that even though I have no nudity in my photo stream, I am allowed to see nudity in OTHER photo streams So I'm moderate.

Not safe.

UNsafe

Rested but still angry at some banks.

I have accounts in three banks and ALL of them shut down my ATM cards for various reasons. Phone calls and a branch visit got them all back up but not until today. The day of my daughter's wedding I was a cash machine created pauper.

Luckily it had all been paid for already.

One bank had me as a teenager with a very low daily and weekly "get money outta the machine" limits. And I'm upset because I've passed close to half a million dollars thru that bank in the last 8 years.

But MOST of my wrath goes to the Bank of America. Their crack security team shut my card off when they saw a transaction they regarded as suspect. Cash from an ATM? No. A computer in Zimbabwe? No. It was a $58.00 purchase at Macy's Department Store in Bellevue, Washington. Here's why I have a serious problem. It was because of a face to face transaction in the same state where I opened my account. Now for those of you who do not have accounts with Bank of America allow me to tell you what you would see on my ATM/Debit card if you were a cashier and I were to present it to you.

1) The account number

2) The Bank of America logo

3) A picture of somebody. Who you ask?

ME!!!

My picture is on my ATM/Debit card!!!

The rocket scientists at card security shut my card off when the suspected a face to face transaction to be fraudulent.

MORONS!!!!

The end of a long weekend, a long couple of weeks. My baby is safe with her new husband in a very secure 23rd floor apartment.

And now it is time to lay my head down for a long uninterrupted sleep as the rain falls on the roof.

Thank you all for your warm wishes and comments in what was a surprise during my 50th year. A nice surprise.

8:30AM and my daughter asks,

"Did you guys bring the wedding license?"

Some tears start to fall from her eyes. It's in the house.

"Don't worry, it'll be okay" says I.

So I hop in the car and fly north up I-5 across the border. I get to the house, grab the license, a coke, and run my electric razor over my face. Then I'm back in the car. I stop for gas and I'm flying south down Highway 99.

The line at the border going south is one hour long but I go down the NEXUS lane. I don't have a NEXUS card but I have my diplomatic passport.

I pull up to the booth and hand the inspector my passport.

"I'm a CBP Officer, I don't have a NEXUS card. My daughter is getting married at noon and we left the marriage license at home".

"Well you better go. You have to give her away" replies the inspector.

Shaky 7AM at Super 8

I have been waking up on the half hour for the last three. I've had the wedding fiasco dream. The groom dressed up, as the best man put it, as a zombie pregnant Abe Lincoln at the Emancipation Proclamation speech. Yes, I remember that detail very clearly. I also remember that I was distraught because I did not get to walk my daughter down the aisle.

There has been an actual bank miscommunication but it'll be fine. I arrived at the suit rental place in downtown Vancouver to pick up the boys' suits with 10 minutes to spare. Ilsen got off work earlier than planned and the 1+ hour wait I was expecting at the border turned out to be 15 minutes.

Dinner at Chihuahua's Mexican then here to the motel. Three rooms all right next to each other. Maggie, Jen and the babies in one, me and the boys in one, and mom and Ilsen in the other. American cable TV with the CBC just to mess with me and Keith Olbermann had the night off with bummed me out. The bed is very comfortable and I will sleep better tonight when it's all over.

Prices vary according to our mood?

There is a barber shop near our house and I have been there a few times. Today I took the boys in for a pre wedding trim. The place is divided in to two areas. The standard barber, and the hair salon. Dan was called into the salon side. He paid $10 for his trim. Robert was called to the barber side. I paid $18 for his haircut.

This aint the first time I've noticed this interesting price structure. I paid $10 on the salon side one time and the next time $15 on the salon side. The time I was on the barber side I was charged $10. All for basically the same haircut.

Now Robert and I have the same hairstyle. Dan likes his a little longer. I'm not a barber but I think the same work is involved in all our haircuts so it's interesting that the price varies.

Now you know that complaining about a haircut means you're done at that shop. It's like complaining about your food at a restaurant and sending it back to be fixed to your taste.

Bad Move.

Of course the barber isn't going to spit on my hair but a good one CAN cut in a manner so that the hair on either side grows back in different ways.

Or he/she CAN "slip" and go "oops".

See?

But I DO find it interesting that I get charged different prices and in a weird way it makes it fun to get my haircut there.

Rounding the corner on this thing and I see a crowd of people standing around all dressed up waiting to be introduced to me. Maybe I'll just buy a bullhorn.

"Is this thing working?"

"Can you all hear me?"

"I'm Dan, I'm the father of the bride. It's great to meet you. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go breathe into a paper bag.'

Can it be that simple? Of course if they're anything like the groom's mother it will all be good because she's such a nice lady.

I hope last night was the closest it gets to being a disaster. I was driving home after getting my boys measures for suits and picking up my daughter from work when an idiot almost ran us into the retaining wall on southbound 99 just north of 17. Dodge Ram p/u with a moron behind the wheel and more than likely on the phone. The truck came across from the far left lane and tried to occupy the space in the far right lane occupied by me in my car. There had to be only 6 inches between me and the wall as I tried to avoid the crash and 6 inches between my car and the moron when my frantic right hand found the horn and the truck driver finally pulled his/her head out of his/her ass.

I can tell that this was the actions of a moron by the way he/she drove after that. Backed way off and wasn't riding my ass. That's was the deciding factor in me not pulling over and then following the truck to it's destination and eventually being pulled off the struggling body of whatever got out the driver's side by a combination of my sons and the police.

I had somebody screw with me in Douglas, Arizona one time. The guy was tailing me and I thought maybe following me home. I spotted the idiot and actually lead him on a wild goose chase until I pulled into the driveway of a house that was for sale. Here comes the moron. The cool thing is that I had just gotten off work and I was soon bailing out of my car with a baretta .40 calibre in my right hand.

The guy froze. Probably in fear.

"What the FUCK are you doing?" says I.

No reply.

I raise the gun but don't point it at the guy.

"Next time, I use this before I ask."

Had to be some smart ass wanting to screw with a border guard for whatever reason. Bad choice. I never saw him again.

and I have two new pairs of shoes?

or should it be two PAIR of shoes?

I dunno. I know we spent some money yesterday and my wife feels a little guilty but I made her go back and get that other dress that goes with the jacket because she looks good in it. Lunch at PF Chengs and dinner at The Outback.

We tossed some money around and that's okay because it was my version of a couple of bourbons which I deserve but my religion forbids and it makes my wife cry so she feels a little guilty about spending a grand but I have no hangover.

Mom gets in today just before my son and I pick up the rental car and things will start to move at a speed where it seems they are just a tad outta focus.

A pair of Ecco casual brown shoes. I've wanted some Eccos for a while now. And a pair of black Merrell slip-ons just like the brown pair I have because I am after all is said and done,

me.

Apple everyday keeps the relationships away

So I'm stoked because I'm at a mall with an Apple store. I have my iPod touch and for some reason (I actually know the reason but it takes too long to explain) I have not been able to install the software upgrade that I will never use but I want it anyway and it's only $20. So the Apple store is the perfect place for me to go, hand over the iPod, the $$, and walk out with a happy happy IPod touch.

WRONG!

Show him what he COULDA won Vanna!

After consulting the "genius" (yes, there's a guy called "the genius" in Apple stores) it is determined that if I have the iPod upgraded at the store it won't have a "backup". That means if my iPod crapped out and I had to use the recovery mode. I would have to buy the upgrade again.

That's where I have the problem with this so called "genius". The nongenius drone helping me, plugged my iPod into one of the store computers and it popped up like it does on my laptop. Name, serial number, and how full it is. See? The "mother ship" recognizes my iPod. So why wouldn't it recognize my iPod if I had to put it in recovery mode and say, "I remember that iPod, I blessed it with a holy upgrade and now it seems to have lost it. But since I, the mother ship remember upgrading it, and I'm all powerful, I shall bestow the upgrade again!"

SIMPLE!!

I was totally intimidated in that store. It was like I was standing there in my underwear. But you know what? As the day went on and I passed by the store a couple of times, I looked at the employees with their earplugs like they were working the drive thru at Mickey D's. One guy even had a KILT on. These guys and gals may have been extremely computer literate but they also looked like they would have been just as at home at a Star Trek convention.

Bitter? Not I

I got my revenge though. I tossed the $20 at the cute red head in the BOSE store. I even added $380 to it and walked out with a new pair of noise eliminator headphones AND earphones for my iPod. The Apple earphones that came with my iPod? They're in the median of I-5 just north of Seattle.

Take THAT genius!

mufugger

NOTE: The BOSE headphones are $300 but TRUST ME! They are worth every cent. They are amazing. OH, and I plugged my iPod into one of the BOSE players so Maggie could hear it. Guess what she wants, and will get, for Mother's Day.

His ring, check.
My suit, check
Lunch, check
The boys' suits, check
Wife's dress....
Wife's dress....

So in about an hour we're headed down to the Seattle area to the way cool mall to look for a dress. I forget what the mall's called and but there's a Bose store and an Apple store and a bunch of other way cool stores.

The kids moved all my daughter's stuff to the apartment where they're gonna live yesterday.

I'm making one tray of lasagna at the request of the bride. Everybody else gets the deli trays for lunch. The wedding is at noon and the reception is at 7.

Bellevue Square is the name of the mall.

We looked at many stores in the Vancouver area without success for a dress. It was funny yesterday. We were in stores on Granville. (no, not THAT section of Granville) Saleswomen were showing us hideous dresses and I was puking in my mouth and wondering how these broads could keep a straight face and push these rags. My wife explained that's what the styles were these days. It was like the 60's met the 90's and a blender and chain saw were involved.

I dunno, maybe it's just me.

My mother, who is 73, has just gotten high speed internet.

She used to have free dial up.

There's a slight problem now.

She's ADDICTED to YouTube!

She'll be here in a couple of days. I'm thinking of having her do some guest posts about my early childhood.

Whaddayathink?