Friday, April 04, 2008

Rounding the corner on this thing and I see a crowd of people standing around all dressed up waiting to be introduced to me. Maybe I'll just buy a bullhorn.

"Is this thing working?"

"Can you all hear me?"

"I'm Dan, I'm the father of the bride. It's great to meet you. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go breathe into a paper bag.'

Can it be that simple? Of course if they're anything like the groom's mother it will all be good because she's such a nice lady.

I hope last night was the closest it gets to being a disaster. I was driving home after getting my boys measures for suits and picking up my daughter from work when an idiot almost ran us into the retaining wall on southbound 99 just north of 17. Dodge Ram p/u with a moron behind the wheel and more than likely on the phone. The truck came across from the far left lane and tried to occupy the space in the far right lane occupied by me in my car. There had to be only 6 inches between me and the wall as I tried to avoid the crash and 6 inches between my car and the moron when my frantic right hand found the horn and the truck driver finally pulled his/her head out of his/her ass.

I can tell that this was the actions of a moron by the way he/she drove after that. Backed way off and wasn't riding my ass. That's was the deciding factor in me not pulling over and then following the truck to it's destination and eventually being pulled off the struggling body of whatever got out the driver's side by a combination of my sons and the police.

I had somebody screw with me in Douglas, Arizona one time. The guy was tailing me and I thought maybe following me home. I spotted the idiot and actually lead him on a wild goose chase until I pulled into the driveway of a house that was for sale. Here comes the moron. The cool thing is that I had just gotten off work and I was soon bailing out of my car with a baretta .40 calibre in my right hand.

The guy froze. Probably in fear.

"What the FUCK are you doing?" says I.

No reply.

I raise the gun but don't point it at the guy.

"Next time, I use this before I ask."

Had to be some smart ass wanting to screw with a border guard for whatever reason. Bad choice. I never saw him again.

Hi. You = my hero.

My scary hero, but still one nonetheless.
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