Zona

my church is crazy anal about membership records. they called me at 7:30 in the too early AM for me one morning. I have caller ID so I didn't answer. I was about to go back to sleep in my room at my mother's house when I heard my mother's phone ring. "he don't answer. let's call his mother".

they've lost my daughter's membership records. she's out somewhere in records purgatory and alarms are sounding in the church office building in Salt Lake City. they MUST find her.

I'm wondering how they got MY phone number since I didn't give it to them. maybe I don't wanna know?

so we eliminated all the possibilities that they were really cops in disguise, or creditors in costumes, and after they call my mother again my wife ends up talking to them. I don't want them to detect apostasy in my voice and shred MY records. I don't attend church anymore but hey, everyone needs an ace in the hole. my wife gives them some info on where she thinks Ilsen's records might be. you see, the church sends them around to where you attend.

Ilsen's can't be found. who knows HOW they even know her records are lost. they want her address but we're still reluctant to give it to them.

so yesterday I'm being driven over bumpy dirt roads after qualifying with my gun near the Mexican border when my phone vibrates.

it's the church.

Ilsen's records have been found in the Salt Lake City central records office. I'm so relieved!

they STILL want her address.

cops? creditors?

I tell the lady to call me back in two hours so I can write down the 1-800 number she's trying to give me. she doesn't.

last night my sister and I were texting back and forth about American Idol so my phone was on noise instead of vibrate when the church called me this morning...

at 7:30

they must think all Mormons are early risers. I see the number on the display. that's how I know it's them. I open and close my phone, put it on vibrate, and go back to sleep.

I wonder if my records got shredded