Monday, September 25, 2006

I LOVE this post. If you don't comment I'll be very hurt.

Let's play a game called: YOU tell ME

Today's scenario is an actual personal ad in a local paper. YOU tell ME, does this person exist.

I'm looking for these 30 things:

1. happy, optimistic, glass half full
2. loves animals
3. doesn't want kids
4. not racist or homophobic
5. great sense of humour
6. reads
7. non-smoker
8. taller than me
9. has excellent table manners
10. friendly to new people
11. good with money. frugal but not cheap. generous but not foolish
12. likes card games, board games, old school games
13. likes to dance
14. good kisser
15. will scratch my back
16. doesn't stay up late (past midnight on week nights)
17. doesn't eat a lot of meat
18. has no bitter relationships. speaks well of exes and family
19. likes to eat lots of different things
20. not into drugs
21. doesn't play dungeons and dragons
22. has had a couple of long term relationships
23. loves/likes what he does for a day job
24. kind
25. good at lots of things but hopeless at one thing I can do
26. has a nice smile
27. tidy
28. encourages all my idiotic plans and ideas
29. takes encouragement from me
30. thinks I am funny and interesting

She describes herself as "Plain but sexy girl (with a good rack)"

So I answer her ad with the following.


I possess all of those traits that you seek. Allow me to add five more.

1. I own my own home with a view of English Bay and a condo with a view of Hong Kong.

2. I have two cars and both are hybrids because global warming is something I think we all must work to combat.

3. I have blood tests every six months and I'm disease free. Of course I know this anyway because my two long term relationships were completely monogamous.

4. I travel 3 or 4 times a year and NEVER fly coach.

5. I don't eat meat and in fact I am a certified master vegetarian chef having graduated with honors from the New York Culinary Institute.

The only thing I ask of you, or any woman I want to date, is that you greet me naked at the door when I come over. I start all my relationships with sex. Oh, and don't worry, I'll bring all my own "accessories". If I am not blown away by your abilities I walk away. If you satisfy me, a wonderful world awaits you.

You see, life is a gamble. You now know the prize. Are you willing to take the risk?
Yes, this person exists. His name was Jesus Christ and from I can tell, he is no longer on the dating circuit.
Yes, this person exists. His name was Jesus Christ and from I can tell, he is no longer on the dating circuit.
you know, it's even FUNNIER if you play the ol' fortune cookie game. add the words "in bed" to each of the 30 things.
i read IN BED
Doesn't stay up late in bed? Doesn't make for kinky adventures though, so that's a turn off :p
Wow, I'm looking for a plain but sexy woman with a really long checklist.

Could you hook us up?
Yep. Does exist. Here's the thing -- he's married to someone else or he is still bitter about his recent divorce.

As a fellow list-writer, I'd just like to say that I've been in the place that this ad writer has been in and it's pretty fricken lonely there.

She'll learn to get over the meat-eating part and make him bacon whenever he wants it. Or she'll get over needing him to be tidy -- or accept that he's obsessive compulsive about neatness. . .

I could go on and on.

Dating sucks rocks. Once you find someone awesome, you gotta hang on like the devil so they don't get away.
This made me laugh:

21. doesn't play dungeons and dragons

But the comments here are even funnier!! Now, i want to start my list of my "ideal" man and hopefully he turns up at my door naked as I like to start all my relationship with sex, too.

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