Zona

I thought you might enjoy a little insider humor that a colleague emailed me.


AN ANALYSIS OF US LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES UPON ENCOUNTERING A
VENOMOUS SNAKE WITHIN THEIR JURISDICTION

1. FBI:
Searches for but cannot locate snake. After snake is
caught by the local police, FBI forms a Snake Task Force of
150 agents, sets up a command center, holds press conference
and assumes credit for capture of [a] snake.

2. Secret Service:
Forms a protective ring of agents around snake and escorts
to a safe area.

3. ATF: (Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms)
Sends SRT team to arrest snake; they expend all of
their ammo, then burn the forest down killing the snake and
other local fauna. At a Congressional inquiry makes a
presentation on why additional funding is required to
properly train agents how to battle the threat of snakes.

4. TSA: (Transportation Security Administration)
Abides by Congressional ruling to prevent
"profiling" of venomous snakes, which requires "random" snake
inspections. Venomous snake escapes while TSA officials
strip-search non-venomous species.

5. IRS-CID: (Internal Revenue Criminal Investigation Division)
Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and
writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be
prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are
out of the office by 4:30 pm.

6. ICE: (Immigration and Customs Enforcement)
After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI,
FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS and the Girl Scouts of
America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified
date for a status hearing. Snake never responds and is
promptly forgotten.

7. DEA:
Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the
snakes cell phone after discovering that the above agencies
have begun an investigation on the snake. Spends $3M to
discover the snake is not Colombian.

8. U. S. Attorney's Office:
Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."

9. Arizona Law Enforcement Agency
Shoots Snake.